


Collateral Comfort

by Kaye_21



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: And Additional Smut, And It's Now Complete, Angst with a Happy Ending, But this includes a sequel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, First Kiss, First Time, Foreplay, I hesitate to use the word sequel, Light Angst, M/M, Oral Sex, Public Sex, Smut, This was a ficlet, With Additional Feels, it has been expanded, it is now a fic, it's all one story, post-Townhouse Incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:17:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5971654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaye_21/pseuds/Kaye_21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sonny is a little too affected by the events of 'Townhouse Incident'. By Liv, being in danger. Barba notices. Barba tries to cheer Sonny up, first with his mouth and then with an invitation to stay the night. </p><p>Sonny does not sleep on the couch.</p><p>[NOTE: This is the all-new and expanded version of the ficlet by the same title, posted as part of the episode tag collection 'What Happened Next'.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can I Kiss You?

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that the first chapter is the original version of ['Collateral Comfort'](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5770543/chapters/13298116), and the second chapter is essentially its sequel. Though I view this as one story, I separated it into chapters so you'll be able to easily skip the first part, in case you've already read my episode tag for 17x11 and you're eager for its continuation. That said, I would recommend reading the whole thing again, in one sitting, for maximum feels.

“Can I kiss you?”

Sonny almost spills his beer.

They’re sitting in a corner booth at the bar, and Barba is right next to him, a little too close now that Sonny thinks about it, and they have been drinking for a while, long enough for all the others to have left over an hour ago, and Sonny laments the fact Rollins has a baby now, because she always used to hang back and drink with him whenever they dealt with a particularly difficult case, and now she’s on maternity leave and Sonny is on his own, except he’s not, because Barba is there drinking with him, and wait, what?

“Excuse me, counselor?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Sonny is too drunk for this.

Barba, too. Clearly. Barba is staring at Sonny’s lips. He’s talking to Sonny and he won’t even make eye contact. He’s just staring at Sonny’s lips. Sonny licks them instinctively, uneasy from all the attention, and Barba visibly reacts when he sees Sonny’s tongue.

Barba sighs, probably louder than he intended, and he inches even closer. 

Sonny can feel Barba’s thigh right up against his.

Pressing.

Warm.

“No?”

Sonny wishes he sounded more convincing.

Barba finally looks up, into Sonny’s eyes.

“Why not?”

Sonny doesn’t really have an answer. Not one that he can articulate after the amount of beer he’s had. 

“Why not? How about why?”

“We had a long day. A tough case. You have nice lips. I’m drunk.”

Sonny waits for Barba to somehow bring all those random, individual points together, to shape them into a coherent argument as to why they should kiss.

That doesn’t happen.

That’s it.

That’s Barba’s argument.

It’s not a bad one, if Sonny is honest.

Sonny is trying very hard not to be honest.

If Sonny was really being honest, he’d have his hand down Barba’s pants already.

Still. Sonny is considering it, especially after what happened. After Liv was almost hurt, a bullet whizzing way too close to her head for comfort, and Sonny knows, Sonny knows the snipers are pros and he knows Liv positioned herself in a way that gave them a clean shot, Sonny knows all this but he still got worried and he’s still rattled and he could use a good make-out session to end this day on a high.

Maybe it won’t be just making out. If only Sonny can convince Barba. If he can prove he’d be worth Barba’s while. Sonny licks his lips again, to make sure they’re nice and soft. Barba _did_ ask for a kiss. Maybe he’ll ask for more, if Sonny plays his cards right. Maybe Barba will want to feel Sonny’s lips on other parts of his body, too.

Barba reacts again, his eyes fixated on Sonny’s mouth.

Barba exhales as he puts his arm around Sonny. It’s still resting on the seat, but Sonny can feel it almost touching his back.

Sonny knows it’s not the best idea to do this with Barba. With someone he cares about. He knows he’d be better off picking up a stranger, someone he’s never met before. 

Sonny knows that.

But Barba asked and Sonny can’t say no. 

Not convincingly.

“Okay, counselor.”

Barba smiles.

It’s a drunk, sloppy, happy, smile. 

“Good.”

Barba slides close, even closer, his body moving in a way Sonny has never seen before. 

Barba moves assertively, suggestively, seductively, as he invades Sonny’s space. 

Barba puts his hand directly on Sonny’s back now, and it’s almost like an embrace, it’s almost like Sonny is engulfed by Barba’s arms, like Sonny could just burrow his head into Barba’s chest and stay there for a few minutes, until he shakes that horrible feeling from before.

Sonny knows this is a bad idea. 

Sonny doesn’t care.

Barba licks his own lips, as he keeps staring at Sonny’s. 

Sonny suddenly begins to wonder if they should be doing this at a bar they frequent. At a cop bar, no less. Barba doesn’t exactly have the best reputation among cops. He can’t afford to be giving them reasons to gossip even more about him. Maybe Barba is too drunk to worry about that, but Sonny isn’t.

“You really think we should be doing this here?”

Barba finally looks away, finally takes his eyes off Sonny’s lips and looks around.

“Oh. Right. We can go someplace else, somewhere nearby, but you have to make it quick. Before I change my mind.”

Sonny thinks Barba has some nerve.

“Really, Barba? _You_ asked me. If anything, you should be worrying about me changing my mind.”

Barba smirks. He does not look worried in the least. 

He just looks far sexier than he has any right to be, especially in his state of inebriation.

“Get up, Carisi.”

Sonny hates how quickly he gets up. 

They put on their coats, and Sonny tries not to react as Barba puts a hand on the small of his back, to usher him along.

They leave the bar, and Sonny tries not to think about what they’re doing. He tries not to think about the fact they’re basically looking for a make-out spot.

Barba keeps glancing at Sonny as they walk. Barba is still smiling, but there’s an edge to it. Sonny hopes Barba doesn’t make fun of him and ruin the moment. Sonny hopes he can have this one good thing. He needs it, after the day he’s had. 

Sonny winces. Sonny feels guilty. He keeps thinking that. Sonny keeps thinking he had a bad day. But he didn’t. Sonny wasn’t the one having the bad day. Sonny wasn’t the one with a gun to his head.

Liv was. Liv almost died, Liv had to listen as a young girl was being raped, Liv had to save herself, save the day, as Sonny was watching from the sidelines and panicking, as Sonny was helples- 

“Okay, you’re the cop, Carisi. Where can we go and not get caught? I assume my car is a bad idea.”

Sonny misses making out in cars. That’s the one thing he misses about Staten Island. The one thing he doesn’t like about Manhattan. He walks everywhere now, and so does everybody else, and it’s just not the same.

Then again, Barba does have a car. Ideally, Sonny would suggest taking a drive somewhere, but he doesn’t think Barba would be up for that. Barba is clearly looking for something quick and dirty.

Sonny doesn’t mind. He doesn’t even want to imagine what that car ride would be like. 

Awkwardly silent, probably. Silently awkward.

“A couple of blocks away, there’s a Vietnamese restaurant. This time of night, the back exit should be empty. It’s pretty dark. No foot traffic.”

Barba nods as he follows Sonny. 

Eagerly.

Sonny is still trying to reconcile “Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba”, the stern prosecutor who is basically his role model, with “blowsy drunk Rafael Barba” who is smiley and sexy and into making out in dark street corners.

Barba takes Sonny by the hand as soon as he sees the dark corner in question. Barba is practically dragging Sonny, eager, still, so eager, and Sonny holds on to Barba’s hand for a few seconds too long, because he always has to make things weird, apparently. Barba chuckles but he doesn’t actually say anything.

Sonny is grateful. 

Barba pushes Sonny against the wall, and he snakes his arms around Sonny’s waist, underneath Sonny’s coat, under Sonny’s jacket, and Sonny is happy not to be wearing a vest because there’s nothing but a flimsy shirt separating Barba’s hands from his skin.

Barba’s hands feel so large on Sonny’s sides. 

Sonny watches as Barba looks up at him. Barba looks up, at Sonny’s eyes, strangely, not at Sonny’s lips, and Sonny wants to touch but he doesn’t want to make things even weirder by, like, caressing Barba’s jaw, so he just puts his hands on Barba’s shoulders.

“We’re not at your junior prom, Carisi.”

Sonny snorts. 

This is better.

This is helping.

“You actually remind me a little of my English teacher. He used to give me detention all the time. I always had a crush on him.”

Barba smiles as he pulls Sonny closer. 

They’re chest to chest, now. Sonny can feel Barba breathing. 

Sonny puts his arms around Barba’s neck, instead. 

Sonny wants to pet Barba’s hair, but he doesn’t.

Sonny needs to play it cool. He can’t come off as too affectionate. He shouldn’t. This is nothing. A dirty kiss with a colleague in the early hours of the morning, after a bad day. This is stress relief. Sonny can’t show how much he cares about Barba. About Liv. About all his colleagues. 

Sonny knows the others don’t care half as much about him as he does about them. Sonny knows that. Sonny knows that, if anything happened to him, no one would be panicking as they frantically tried to rescue him. Barba sure as hell wouldn’t worry. Barba would probably think SVU would be better off without Sonny. Maybe they _would_ be.

Sure, they’d all want Sonny to be safe, just like they want everybody to be safe. Every random stranger. But they wouldn’t worry. They wouldn’t worry about Sonny, about what happened to him. They wouldn’t care if Sonny lived or died. 

Sonny knows that.

It still doesn’t stop him from caring.

“I don’t have all night, Carisi.”

Oh.

That’s right.

Quick and dirty.

Sonny licks his lips again, on purpose, and Barba presses even closer.

“Alright, alright, counselor. You just gotta promise me one thing. That you still won’t respect me in the morning.”

Barba chuckles.

“I respect you, Carisi.”

Sonny winces.

“No need to sweet talk me, counselor. I already said yes.”

Barba tears his eyes away from Sonny’s lips again. 

“No. I do. You really… Look, I saw you today, with Liv. After it all ended. You were… you were very supportive. I mean, I knew that. That’s why I sent you to… To Dolores, remember? You’re a supportive guy. But with Liv, you were… You were sweet. 

“And you were worried. That surprised me. The concern you showed, I wasn’t expecting it. You don’t see that a lot. Not from cops. Not to other cops. Normally it’s all bluster and macho bullshit. You’re kind, Carisi. You’re not like them. I respect that. I respect you.”

Sonny nods.

Sonny has moved on from wanting to stick his hand down Barba’s pants to wanting to get on his knees, to better thank the counselor for such praise. 

Praise, as long as Sonny doesn’t think about Barba’s words too closely. ‘You’re not like them’. Like the other cops. Sonny knows that too. Sonny knows he’s not cop material, he knows he’s n-

“Now, are we making out or what?”

Sonny nods again. 

Before Barba changes his mind.

Sonny leans in and takes Barba’s bottom lip between his own, sucks on it, just for a second. One small kiss, to start with, and then Sonny pulls back, ever so slightly. That’s Sonny’s signature move. A tease. 

Barba digs his fingers into Sonny’s ribcage and moves in for a second kiss, mouth open, tongue licking at Sonny’s lips. 

Barba is impatient. 

Or maybe Sonny’s slow and teasing style is best suited for romantic dates, not random make-out sessions out on the street.

Sonny adjusts his technique accordingly. Sonny opens his mouth too, feels Barba’s tongue brushing against his, and the kiss gets deep, and Barba starts moaning, and Sonny is valiantly trying not to rub his crotch against Barba’s, because he doesn’t know if that’s part of the deal.

It is.

Barba’s hands slide down to Sonny’s ass. Barba tugs, roughly, until they make contact, until Sonny starts grinding, until they’re both grinding, and kissing, fast, deep, all tongues, breathing heavily, humming and moaning and hard. 

Sonny’s hands are on Barba’s head. On Barba’s hair. This is Sonny’s one chance to feel Barba’s ass, Barba’s body, and Sonny is playing with the hairs on the nape of Barba’s neck.

Sonny tries not to dwell on that. 

Sonny just kisses Barba. More. 

More.

Minutes go by. 

The kiss should be winding down, but it’s not. 

More.

Barba’s hands are still on Sonny’s ass, kneading. Barba is hard where he’s pressed against Sonny’s hip. 

It’s dirty, but it’s not quick. 

More. 

They keep kissing, and Sonny is ashamed to admit that, if this were to last a few more minutes, he could probably come. He hopes that doesn’t happen, because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he came in his pants as Barba was kissing him, but he r-

“Can you come like this?”

Sonny’s hips jerk at the sound of Barba’s voice.

At Barba’s words.

Barba keeps kissing Sonny as he reaches for Sonny’s belt, as he lowers Sonny’s zipper.

Sonny focuses on kissing back. 

Sonny focuses on not answering.

Barba wraps his hand around Sonny, starts stroking, tugging, moves a little to the side.

“Just don’t get anything on my suit.”

Sonny nods. 

Sonny nods as he keeps kissing Barba, his hands now on Barba’s face. 

Sonny can’t help it. He needs the contact. He needs some affection. Even if he’s the one showing it. He needs something sweet. Something nice. 

Sonny does caress Barba’s jaw, after all. Barba’s cheeks. Barba’s stubble. He hates how shaky his hands are, how gentle. This isn’t about that. He should be groping Barba. He should be pushing and pulling. Sonny always has to make things weird by caring. Sonny is too nice. He’s not tough enough, he’s n-

Barba pulls away.

Of course. 

Sonny tries to zip himself up. He hopes he’ll still be able to face Barba the next morn-

“What are you doing, Carisi?”

Barba bats Sonny’s hands away, pulls Sonny out again.

Barba kneels on the grimy sidewalk, and Sonny doesn’t know what’s happening.

“You’re paying for my dry cleaning.”

Sonny nods. It’s all he seems to be doing. He thinks it best not to talk.

Barba puts his hands on Sonny’s hips and he pulls Sonny closer, again.

Barba leans in and takes Sonny in his mouth.

Sonny doesn’t know what’s happening.

Sonny is gonna come. 

Barba takes him in, deep, and it feels amazing, and Sonny knows, Sonny knows it means nothing and Sonny knows he should be grabbing Barba’s head and holding him there, holding him down, pushing inside, shoving, quick and dirty, but he can’t do that. 

Sonny just places his hands on the top of Barba’s head, fingers teasing Barba’s hair. Sonny’s hips are moving so leisurly they might as well be still.

Barba looks up.

Sonny can barely look down, Sonny can barely look at Barba’s lips stretched around him without coming. 

Barba is gentle, too. 

Sonny doesn’t know what’s happening.

Barba moves his head back and forth, licking at Sonny, slowly, his tongue soft and warm, licking, slowly, sucking, almost tenderly, and Sonny can’t handle it.

Sonny tries to pull Barba off. 

Barba won’t budge. He just strokes Sonny a little with his hand.

“Come on, Carisi. I can take it.”

Maybe Barba can, but Sonny can’t.

Barba strokes Sonny with his hand before diving in again, sucking Sonny, still so softly, and on any other night that wouldn’t be enough, but on this night it’s just what Sonny needs.

Sonny thrusts slowly, once, twice.

Sonny moans.

Barba moans louder, as his thumb rubs small circles on Sonny’s right hip.

Sonny comes, down Barba’s throat. 

Sonny is panting.

Sonny doesn’t know what’s happening.

Barba swallows, Barba licks him clean, so gently, Barba tucks him in, zips him up.

Barba leans on Sonny for support as he gets up. 

They’re face to face now.

Sonny knows he must look totally confused.

Sonny can feel himself frowning.

Sonny needs to repay the favor. That’s how this works. That’s why Barba did it in the first place.

Sonny reaches for Barba’s zipper, reaches down, squeezes, and realizes Barba is half-hard at best. 

Of course. 

Barba couldn’t stay hard, he probably had to force himself to go down on Sonny, hoping to get head in return, and Sonny needs to repay the favor, soon, Sonny needs to make this worth whil-

“It’s okay. I already took care of it.”

Sonny frowns even deeper.

“What?”

Barba raises an eyebrow, like Sonny is a complete dumbass for even asking.

Sonny doesn’t know what’s happening.

Barba jerked off? With Sonny in his mouth? Was Sonny so far gone that he didn’t even notice what was most definitely the sexiest thing to ever happen in his presence?

Actually, that sounds about right.

Barba frowns too.

“Why the long face, Carisi? The whole point of this was to cheer you up.”

Sonny doesn’t know what’s happening.

“I’m sorry?”

“You were upset. I thought I’d cheer you up.”

Sonny doesn’t understand.

“All day, Carisi. You’ve been sad. Over what happened. I know you’re attached to Liv. You admire her. You care about her. I know you got scared. I don’t blame you. I got scared too. Why do you think I spent the night drinking with you? Why do you think I stayed, after everyone left?”

Sonny stares. 

Barba stares back. 

“What? I just thought this would cheer you up. Make your day. Your week. Hell, your _year_. Evidently I was wrong. Maybe I overestimated my skills.”

Barba is fishing for compliments.

Sonny does _not_ comment on Barba’s skills.

Sonny is still too confused.

“I’m just trying to understand, counselor. You wanted to cheer me up, so you did this? What made you think I would…”

Sonny stops talking. 

Barba is smirking.

Sonny never should have started talking in the first place.

This, Sonny’s unfinished sentence, Barba’s smirk, this is the closest either of them has ever gotten to openly acknowledging Sonny’s blatantly, pathetically obvious crush. 

This is not good.

Sonny needs to joke his way out of this. 

Sonny needs to leave.

“Alright, counselor. Consider this a success. You made my week. Thank you.”

Barba narrows his eyes, as soon as Sonny says 'week’. 

As if Sonny would stroke Barba’s ego. As if Sonny would say that Barba made his year.

As if Sonny would tell the truth.

Barba is clearly trying to suss Sonny out. 

Sonny tries not to smirk. 

Sonny smirks.

“Okay, fine, maybe you made my month.”

Barba chuckles.

“ _That_ I believe.”

He doesn’t. Clearly. Barba can clearly see through Sonny’s joke, but he doesn’t call Sonny out on the lie.

Sonny is grateful.

“Okay. I gotta g-”

“You made my, uh, let’s say my _week_ , too, detective.”

Sonny didn’t even do anything.

“I did?”

Barba stops smirking.

“You’re not the only one who needed this tonight. The only one who could use… Who could use a _kiss_.”

Oh.

Suddenly it all makes sense. Why it wasn’t quick and dirty. Why Barba took his sweet time. This wasn’t just about Sonny. Maybe it wasn’t about Sonny at all. Maybe Sonny was just there.

Sonny hates to admit it, but that explains everything.

This, this was about comfort.

For Barba. 

For Sonny, too, but that was more like collateral comfort.

Sonny doesn’t even mind. It’s more than Sonny ever expected. 

“Okay. I’m happy to hear that. That I could help. Thank y… Uh.”

“You already thanked me, Carisi.”

“Yeah. You’re right. Goodnight, counselor.”

Barba tugs at Sonny’s elbow, stopping him. Barba looks at Sonny intently. 

Barba is still trying to suss him out.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Sonny would smile if could muster up the energy. Barba does care, a little bit. Barba cares about Sonny getting home safely. That’s something.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll get home just fine. I’m not _that_ drunk. Well, I _am_ that drunk, otherwise I wouldn’t have had the balls to do this, but yeah, I’m f-”

Barba scoffs. 

“That’s not what I mean, Carisi. Are you going to be okay after what happened? Today? To Liv? You haven’t been with SVU that long. You haven’t… You’re not used to this. Obviously. That’s fine. I wasn’t used to it either, before… before certain things happened. Things I’m glad you didn’t have to live through. 

"I know this can take a toll. And you, you’re always so upbeat and you smile all the time, and you haven’t smiled all day. All night. Not a real smile. Not even after what was probably the best blowjob of your life.”

Sonny _has_ to smile at that.

He does. 

Sonny smiles for the first time that day. He’s shocked Barba would even notice something like that. He’s shocked Barba would actively try to make him smile. 

For Sonny, this, this joke, this is more intimate than the blowjob itself. 

Barba smiles back, but there’s something somber in his expression.

“Are you okay, Carisi?”

Sonny stops smiling.

Sonny feels like crying.

He won’t. 

Not in front of Barba, anyway.

Sonny is not okay. 

Sonny hates how much these incidents affect him. He hates seeing people he cares about going through so much. Liv. Amanda. Sonny is trying to look the part, he’s trying to appear calm and collected, and he does, he manages to get the job done, he manages to be a good cop, but he still breaks and he still shows too much emotion and sometimes he thinks this isn’t the right job for him. 

Sometimes Sonny thinks he’s still too young and too inexperienced and it’ll get better, but he doesn’t know if he even wants the experience. It’s too much, sometimes. Sometimes Sonny th-

“I’ll take that as a no. Come on. You’re coming home with me.”

Sonny probably looks really surprised.

Or really excited.

He’s not sure.

Either way, his expression amuses Barba.

“Not like that, Carisi. You’re sleeping on the couch. I… I don’t want to go back to an empty apartment either. Like I said, you’re not the only one who was affected. The only one who could use… whatever this is. Companionship.”

Sonny nods.

Sonny starts walking, follows Barba to his car. They walk side by side, their shoulders brushing every few feet.

Companionship.

Barba keeps glancing at Sonny as they walk. He’s smiling again. This time, there’s no edge to it. This time there’s softness in his eyes. 

Maybe Sonny isn’t the only one who cares.

Barba cared enough to ask.

Barba cares enough to be there.

Barba _is_ worried about him.

That’s something.

It’s more than Sonny ever expected.

Sonny takes Barba’s hand in his. 

Sonny doesn’t speak. He just keeps walking as he holds Barba’s hand. Sonny hopes Barba won’t pull it away. Sonny knows it’s stupid, he knows he’s not a kid, he knows he’s way too old to be needing reassurance the way that he does. Sonny is a cop, he knows he shouldn’t need anybody to make him feel safe. 

Sonny knows that.

Normally, he _doesn’t_ need anybody. 

Tonight he does.

Tonight, Sonny just needs something nice.

Barba does not pull his hand away. 

Barba does stop glancing at Sonny. Barba keeps walking, head facing forward. 

Sonny is grateful. 

He doesn’t want to make eye contact with Barba right now. He just wants to feel Barba next to him.

He does.

Closer. 

Barba is walking closer to Sonny, now. Their shoulders are touching with each step they take. 

Barba squeezes Sonny’s hand with his fingers.


	2. Saturday

"Would you like to take a shower?"

Sonny nods.

He hasn't said a word since Barba asked him over. Since they got in the car, Sonny reluctantly letting go of Barba's hand. Since they got to Barba's condo, way fancier than Sonny ever imagined, which is saying a lot.

Sonny feels so out of place.

Sonny always feels out of place.

Sonny thinks a shower will help. He's sobered up completely, now. But it's not the alcohol he needs help with.

Sonny wants nothing more than to take a long shower, just like he would if he was in his own place, but he has to wonder how long will be too long. How long he can stay in Barba's bathroom before Barba gets suspicious or annoyed.

"The guest bathroom is two doors down, to your left. You'll find towels in the cabinet. And I can probably find something that will fit you. If you don't mind crop tops."

Sonny smiles, before he nods again.

Barba doesn’t call him out on all the silent responses. Barba just heads for another door, probably the master bedroom, probably to take a shower of his own. They both need it.

Sonny decides not to worry too much about time. He steps into the shower, he steps under the hot water and he waits until he feels like himself again. He doesn't know how long it takes. He doesn't check.

Sonny thinks about Liv. About the fact she had that man's blood on her. Her own blood, too. He thinks about Liv's night. He hopes someone tried to take care of her, like Barba did with him. Tucker, maybe.

It might be selfish, or silly, but Sonny feels better knowing that Liv needed some help too. Some comfort. Everyone does.

Sonny doesn't have blood on him. He doesn't have much to wash off.

Not on his skin. Not on the surface.

Still.

The water helps.

By the time Sonny comes out, wearing only his underwear, because Barba _did_ say he'd get him some clothes, Barba looks like he's been sitting in his living room for hours.

Barba's lounging on the couch, the large one, because of course there are two, and Sonny thinks the couch doesn't look too bad. It's probably nicer than Sonny's actual bed.

Barba is leafing through a magazine, something with a sailboat on the cover, and he's in those fancy silk pajamas Sonny thought people only wore in movies, and Sonny can't believe he immediately knows that's silk, and Barba looks great in burgundy, and Sonny can't believe he can even identify that color by name.

Sonny blames Barba.

Sonny used to call that 'red' before. Before he met Barba, before he started paying attention to Barba’s ties, Sonny used to call everything from vermilion to wine red just 'red', but now he knows that vermilion is an actual word, and now he is losing focus, and now Sonny needs to get it together, Sonny needs to act like he's not standing in Barba's living room in his underwear.

Sonny looks at Barba to distract himself.

Barba doesn't seem to have made any preparations. Sonny can see no sheets, no pillows, no blan-

"This is the best I could do."

Barba nods toward a pile of clothes next to him, neatly folded. Sonny missed it, too busy noticing how Barba's skin looks different, darker against burgundy.

Sonny picks up the clothes. It's a pair of blue sweatpants which will most definitely not be long enough for Sonny's legs, and a faded grey t-shirt.

Sonny snorts as soon as he realizes what it is.

"Harvard Law? Really?"

Barba smirks.

"I figured this is the closest you'll ever get."

Sonny smiles.

Sonny feels warmth. He has Barba's old t-shirt from college in his hands.

Barba gave Sonny the t-shirt to wear, as a joke, Barba gave Sonny his t-shirt, and it looks well-worn, like Barba wears it often, and now he gave it to Sonny and that feels so personal and so affectionate and so nice.

Sonny puts the t-shirt back down before he starts fondling the thin fabric right in front of Barba.

Sonny wonders if it's weird that he wants to smell it.

Not so weird, probably. No weirder than Barba staring at his nipples. Which is what has been happening ever since Sonny came out of the bathroom. Sonny would be uneasy by the blatant way Barba has been checking him out all night, but mostly Sonny is just flattered.

And turned on.

"Is there anything else you need, Carisi? A glass of milk, maybe? A cookie?"

Sonny chuckles despite himself.

"You don't have to baby me, counselor. I'm fine. I'll be fine."

Barba seems amused.

"I don't know what you're talking about, detective. I'm just trying to be a gracious host."

Sonny bites his lip. He's not sure if Barba is teasing him or mocking him.

Story of his life.

"I'll be fine, Barba. Thank you. Just, maybe get me a blanket or something? Maybe a pillow. I'll be fine. You won't even know I'm here."

Barba raises an eyebrow as Sonny moves to stand over the couch.

Over Barba.

Barba is looking up at him again, eyes sharp, and the angle is giving Sonny flashbacks.

"I wasn't being literal about the couch."

Oh.

Sonny rolls his eyes. Semantics. That's why Barba didn't bother setting up the couch. His condo is huge. Of course he doesn't let the guests sleep on the couch. Not even unimportant guests like Sonny.

"Fine. Whatever. Point me to your guest bedroom."

Barba's eyebrows are dancing now, and he's scoffing for effect.

Barba sits up, leans forward.

Barba reaches for Sonny's hips, almost in slow motion.

Sonny doesn't move away.

Sonny stays still until Barba's hands make contact.

Barba's hands tighten.

Barba slips a finger under Sonny's waistband.

Barba pulls.

Slowly.

Oh.

"Oh."

Barba pulls, slowly, and Sonny can feel the fabric rubbing against his skin, and he's half-hard already, just like that, his underwear catching on the way down.

Barba pulls until Sonny's boxers are on the floor, around his ankles.

Barba's hands caress Sonny's thighs on their way back up, before they settle on Sonny's waist.

Sonny is getting harder by the second.

Barba is looking. Barba is rubbing his thumbs on Sonny’s ribcage, and he’s looking as Sonny twitches, as Sonny gets harder with every touch.

They breathe.

Barba lets go.

Barba gets up.

Barba is hard too.

At least Sonny isn't alone in this. At least he doesn't have to feel embarrassed.

Wait.

No such luck.

Barba takes a step toward him, and Sonny takes a step back, like a scared deer. Sonny gets embarrassed anyway. He supposes an embarrassment-free night was too much to hope for.

Barba smiles as he reaches for Sonny's hips again, as he pulls Sonny in.

Sonny feels especially proud for managing to step out of his boxers without tripping.

Barba pulls him all the way in.

The silk feels nice against Sonny's naked body.

"You didn't really believe I would let you sleep on the couch, did you?"

Sonny kind of did.

Sonny kind of likes the feeling of Barba's hands on his skin.

Barba grinds his hips, shifts his body just right, and suddenly Sonny can feel how just hard the counselor is.

How hard they both are.

Sonny missed his chance earlier, in that dark corner. He missed a lot of chances. He didn't get to savor it. He didn't get to touch Barba, not like he wanted. He didn't get to feel Barba's ass in his hands. He didn't get to see Barba come.

Sonny is determined to make up for all of that.

Sonny starts grinding his hips too, following the rhythm Barba has set, as he wraps his arms around Barba's waist, his hands going to Barba's back, and then lower, to Barba's ass.

Sonny is glad he waited. He bets feeling that ass in slacks would have been a very different experience. Silk, it magnifies every sensation. It's so soft. It's as soft as Barba's ass is firm. Full, barely fitting inside Sonny's palms.

Sonny starts kneading Barba's ass, slowly, slows down his hips, their hips, and now Barba is following _his_ rhythm.

Sonny looks down. He sees himself, naked, hard, rubbing against Barba's silk pajama bottoms. He sees a wet spot where the pants are tented, making the dark red look even darker.

It's Barba. Dripping. For Sonny.

Sonny moans.

Barba, who had been content to idly caress Sonny's hips until that point, moans even louder as he speeds up again.

Barba kisses Sonny on the cheek.

Sonny is touched at first, and then he gets puzzled, and then he feels flat-out happy 'cause he's not the only one making things weird. But then Barba kisses him again, on the corner of his lips, and Sonny gets it.

Barba wants a real kiss.

They haven't kissed yet. Not since they left that dark corner.

Sonny hadn't even realized.

Sonny wants to kiss Barba in the light.

He does.

Sonny kisses Barba, and Barba makes a hungry little sound before he takes off his shirt, before he wraps his bare arms around Sonny's shoulders.

They're chest to chest now. Sonny can feel Barba's belly against his, Barba's chest hair, Barba's hands rubbing his back, and Barba smells so good, fresh out of the shower, and Sonny realizes with some degree of surprise that he feels good for the first time all day.

It's not even about that. Not really.

It's not about feeling good for a few minutes.

It's not even about feeling safe.

It's about comfort. Companionship, like Barba said.

It's about not feeling alone.

It's about Sonny, feeling that he matters. That he would be missed, if he were to leave.

It's about Sonny, feeling that somebody wants him there for a change.

Sonny doesn't like himself when he gets needy.

That doesn't stop him.

Sonny never thought it'd be Barba who'd make him feel wanted. In more ways than one.

And Sonny _definitely_ feels wanted.

Barba wants him. Barba is kissing him, still, moaning every few seconds in a way that's making Sonny even harder.

It's Barba who pulls away first. It's a good thing he does, because if he left it up to Sonny they'd keep going forever.

"It's late, Carisi. Let's go to bed."

For a moment, Sonny fears Barba is suggesting that they literally sleep.

Which is written on his face, apparently.

Barba snorts.

Sonny always has to make things weird.

Barba pushes himself against Sonny, and he's so hard, and he makes it perfectly clear that they won't be sleeping any time soon.

"You know, detective, I do believe that you owe me something."

Barba is smirking again.

Of course.

Sonny _does_ owe him.

So much for feeling good.

Sonny hurriedly tugs at Barba's pants, and Barba chuckles as he steps out of them. He's not wearing underwear.

He's so hard.

Sonny gets on his knees, Sonny licks his lips, and Barba takes a deep breath. Sonny doesn't feel like going to the bedroom for this. He'd rather get it over with in the living room. It'll feel less intimate. It'll be more appropriate, considering their predicament.

Sonny starts stroking Barba roughly, almost frantically, Sonny licks his lips again, Sonny is leaning in, until Barba steps back.

Until Barba lifts him up by the armpits.

"What are you doing, Carisi?"

Just like before. Just like in that dark corner. The light doesn't seem to help.

Barba looks frustrated.

"I swear to God, it's like you want me to change my mind."

Sonny stands there, awkwardly, nakedly, and he doesn't understand.

"You said..."

Barba sighs.

"I was joking. You..."

Barba pauses.

Suddenly he looks offended.

Disturbed.

"You better not be here because you think you owe me something, Carisi. Tell me I didn't just catch you at a vulnerable moment. Tell me you didn't come here tonight out of some asinine sense of obligation to repay me, just because I sucked your dick."

That couldn't be further from the truth, not that Sonny has the presence of mind to explain himself. He can't seem to do anything right. Here he is, trying to get laid, and he's willing, and Barba is willing, and it should be the easiest thing in the world, and yet Sonny can't seem to get it done.

Barba sighs again.

"I did what I did because I wanted to. Because I have terrible taste. Because I've been wanting to do this for a while. Because you looked sad. Okay? It's over. You don't have to do anything in return. The couch is yours if you want it."

Sonny doesn't want the friggin' couch. He wants Barba.

And Barba wants him. Barba has wanted him 'for a while'.

Sonny's crush, maybe it's not so pathetic.

This is ridiculous.

Sonny has his issues, he knows he does, but he refuses to let them get between him and Barba's bed.

This is happening, one way or another. Sonny will make sure of it.

Sonny exhales.

"Can we start this whole thing over, counselor? Can we pretend I didn't mess everything up? Can we pretend that, I don't know, that when you told me you've been wanting to suck my dick for months, I reacted like a normal person? By telling you that's the hottest thing I ever heard? That it really was the best blowjob of my life? And that I've been dying to get in your pants since we first met? Can we do that?"

Barba chuckles. He looks relieved.

"Sure."

Sure.

Barba makes everything sound so easy.

Wait.

Not everything.

"You're not normally this stupid, Carisi. Why did this affect you so much? Was it because of Liv?"

Sonny realizes how far gone he is when he almost preens because Barba said he wasn't totally stupid.

Sonny realizes he hasn't thought about Liv, about the incident, since his shower.

Sonny realizes this night has been good for him, awkwardness and all. Turns out, worrying that maybe he blew his chance at sleeping with Barba beats worrying that he's not good enough to be a cop.

Barba stares. He's waiting for an answer.

Sonny doesn't want to give one.

He knows he has to.

"I'm not good with losing people."

That seems to resonate with Barba.

Barba's eyes get dark.

Sonny won't ask why.

He doesn't think Barba would tell him anyway.

It's enough that Barba understands.

Comfort.

Barba extends his hand, holds it out for Sonny to take.

"Come on."

Sonny takes Barba's hand.

Barba walks to the bedroom.

Sonny follows.

~ ~ ~

"You can let go of my hand now."

Sonny winces. They haven’t been in the bedroom for two seconds and he's already making things weird again. He tries to pull his hand away but Barba won't let go.

Barba _is_ teasing him.

Barba tugs at his hand, pulls him closer, Barba kisses him again, and Sonny tries to make the kiss as dirty as possible, just to regain control of the situation.

Not that Sonny ever had control of the situation, but still.

Barba smiles into the kiss. Everything is faster now, more energized, now that they've both come clean.

Everything is more fun.

Somehow, someway, the longer Sonny kisses Barba, the more he can feel Barba against him, the more Sonny can feel how hard Barba is for him, the more confident he feels.

Sonny decides to act on this newfound confidence before it evaporates.

He pushes Barba backwards, onto the obscenely huge bed, and he climbs on the bed too, Sonny climbs on top of Barba, and he’s smiling too.

Barba seems pleased.

"That's the spirit, Carisi. Took you long enough."

Barba doesn't know the half of it.

Sonny feels like he's on a roll, so he keeps going.

Sonny lowers himself all the way down, letting Barba take all of his weight as they kiss. Their legs are tangled, Barba's thigh rubbing against Sonny's erection, and Sonny starts grinding his hips even though he knows that won't help, not if he wants this to last.

Thankfully, Barba seems less inclined to go with the flow and more focused on what's important.

"How do you want this?"

Sonny stares.

Barba's voice, a low whisper, it's doing things to him. Sonny hopes he doesn't look too desperate.

He probably does, at least going by Barba's smirk.

"Me, I have no preference. That's why I ask."

Sonny is only mildly surprised. He's often thought about this, and half the time he's convinced Barba is an exclusive top and the rest of the time he thinks Barba is the bossiest bottom in all the land.

Sonny never dreamed he'd get to have a choice in the matter.

"Are you sure about this, Barba? You're not just saying that 'cause you wanna cheer me up?"

Barba keeps smirking as he begins stroking Sonny with his hand.

"I'm saying it because I'm curious to see what you'll choose."

Oh.

No pressure.

Then again, Sonny has to assume there is no wrong answer here.

Sonny decides to show, not to tell.

Sonny kisses Barba again, his body shifting. Sonny pulls Barba by the waist until they're both lying on their sides, face to face. Barba's thigh is caught between Sonny's legs.

Sonny pulls Barba even closer, closer, so close that Barba starts rubbing himself against Sonny's belly.

Sonny reaches for Barba's ass, his fingers wandering along the way, stopping to feel the hairs on Barba's thighs, the soft fold of Barba's belly, the firm muscles in Barba's back, the curve of Barba's tight, ample ass.

Sonny's fingers slide low, lower, rubbing.

Barba flinches, just for a second, and that would be enough to worry Sonny, to make Sonny think he made the wrong choice after all, but then Barba starts pushing his ass backwards, eagerly pressing against Sonny's fingers.

"Really, Carisi? Feeling dominant? I never would have guessed."

It's not about that for Sonny.

It never has been, though he can see why somebody like Barba would think that way.

"No. I just want to make this worth your while."

That gets Barba's attention.

He looks almost impressed.

"Oh. Not dominant, then. Arrogant. Okay. Let's see what you got, detective."

Sonny kisses Barba slowly, deeply, as he slips one finger inside, teasing. He should really get to the nightstand for supplies, but Barba feels so soft, and Sonny likes this way too much, so he keeps teasing for a few more seconds. Sonny can feel smooth, warm skin, tight, but not as tight as he expect-

"I took the liberty of helping things along while I was in the shower."

Sonny freezes.

Sonny tries, _very_ hard, not to come at the thought of Barba fingering himself, stretching himself in the shower, just minutes ago, thinking about Sonny. Getting ready for Sonny.

This entire time, Barba has been open and waiting for him.

Sonny would be offended because, as it turns out, he never really had a choice, but he's too hard to worry about such trivialities.

Sonny is hard, but he's also curious.

"Uh. What happened to not having a preference, counselor?"

Barba smirks.

Barba is always smirking.

Sonny wonders if Barba will still be smirking when he comes.

"I wasn't sure if you'd be able to make up your mind, Carisi. You've been frazzled all day. All night. And I didn't like my chances at trying to get you to relax. So I thought I'd save us both the trouble."

Sonny can't argue with that. Barba isn't wrong, not really. Sonny _has_ been frazzled. And he's not sure he remembers what 'relaxed' even feels like.

The only thing that Sonny finds relaxing is the slow, wet drag of Barba's hard-on against his belly.

The only thing that has successfully distracted Sonny is Barba and his disarmingly gentle come-ons.

Not even two hours ago, Barba was almost coyly asking, 'Can I kiss you?' in some random bar.

Now Barba is grinding his ass against Sonny's hand.

Now Sonny is in Barba's bed, and he's about to be inside Barba, and Liv's pain is a distant thudding in the back of his mind.

Sonny does reach for the nightstand, he puts on a condom, he finishes prepping a visibly amused Barba because Sonny always has to do his due diligence.

Sonny rolls Barba on his back again, kneels between Barba's thighs, grabs them tightly.

Barba spreads his legs obediently, and he puts his hands on Sonny's hips, on the small of Sonny's back, and he pulls Sonny closer, closer, until Sonny is hovering over him, until Sonny pushes inside in a slow, deep thrust.

Sonny and Barba exhale at the same time.

After a few moments of stillness, Barba starts moving his hips.

It's less to set a rhythm and more to let Sonny know that it's okay to move.

Holding himself up, Sonny starts thrusting, leisurely at first but quickly picking up the pace.

Sonny starts pushing deeper, faster, as he feels Barba's hands on his ass, fingers digging in.

Barba is not nearly as bossy as Sonny imagined.

Barba just wraps his legs around Sonny's waist, knees pressing against Sonny's sides, and he knows just how to angle his hips to draw Sonny even deeper, to get what he wants.

Barba just kisses Sonny's neck, licks at Sonny's collarbone, bites at Sonny's chest.

Barba just takes it.

Barba is letting Sonny call the shots, and the sounds he's making suggest that he's enjoying himself.

Maybe Barba _does_ have a preference.

Sonny feels more encouraged with every moan.

Sonny really wants to live up to his promise.

He really wants to make this worth Barba's while.

Sonny leans down to kiss Barba, his tongue slipping inside Barba's open mouth easily, Sonny takes Barba in his hand, stroking fast and hard, Sonny starts snapping his hips, and Barba starts moaning so loudly, yelling almost, and Sonny keeps licking at Barba's mouth, Sonny keeps stroking, and he will _not_ come before Barba does, no matter how tight Barba feels around him, no matter how Barba clenches up every time Sonny tugs a little too hard.

It's a good thing Barba is close.

Sonny can tell by the way his breaths are coming faster, by the way his hips are stuttering.

Sonny wants to see this.

Sonny pushes in, deep, Sonny tightens his grip, Sonny pushes in again, and again, Sonny starts twisting his fist, and Barba is looking up at him with wide eyes, almost surprised, and Sonny pushes in again, all the way in, and Barba lets out a loud, prolonged moan as he comes, his hips jolting, Barba gasps with each spurt.

He's not smirking.

Sonny is.

Sonny is smirking as he watches Barba come undone.

Sonny keeps smirking until Barba kisses him, until Barba pulls him back down again, urging him in, deeper.

Sonny is amazed by his own endurance. He can't believe he lasted through Barba's orgasm. He supposes his need to impress Barba outweighed his need to come.

Sonny doesn't know if that's impressive or sad.

Sonny doesn't need to worry about it anymore.

Sonny pushes in, again, and again, and again, shallow and fast this time, and Barba is running his fingers up and down Sonny's back, almost tenderly.

That's what does it, for Sonny. Barba's large hands on his back.

Tender.

Comfort.

Sonny comes, hard, shaking with it, and he can feel Barba clenching, still, even now, and Sonny leans down to kiss Barba as he's coming because he loves the feeling of Barba's tongue brushing his lips.

After he's done, after they're both done, Sonny flops back onto the bed, right next to Barba, their shoulders touching.

"At least there's one thing you're good at, Carisi."

Sonny laughs.

Sonny laughs for the first time that day.

"Thanks, counselor. If I don't pass the bar, it's nice to know I got options."

Sonny can practically feel Barba's side-eye.

Sonny hesitantly turns his head toward Barba when he doesn't hear a response in the next few seconds.

Barba is looking at him.

Barba looks serious.

Barba looks imposing, even as he's lying there naked, covered in his own come.

"You don't need options, Carisi. You're a detective with Manhattan SVU. You'll take the bar, you'll pass it, and you'll pat yourself on the back because that's a great accomplishment, and then you'll show up at the precinct for work, like any other day. That's it. You don't need options. I already told you. You're not like other cops. The world needs more cops like you."

Oh.

Maybe that _was_ a compliment.

Sonny is not like the others. Maybe that's a good thing.

_'The world needs more cops like you.'_

For Sonny, this, this one sentence, this is more intimate than watching Barba come.

Sonny would be missed, if he were to leave.

Barba wants him there.

Sonny will stay right where he is.

"Okay."

Barba looks only about half-convinced, but he also looks like he's done being heartfelt for the night.

Barba looks like he didn't mean to be heartfelt at all.

"Okay. Goodnight, Carisi. I'm sure you can find your way out."

Sonny doesn't fall for it. He knows Barba is teasing now. He knows because Barba is not that good an actor. Not after what they did. Barba may try, with his scoffs and his stares and his eyebrows, but he can't hide the fondness in his eyes anymore.

Sonny will stay right where he is.

After he sits up and gets rid of the condom, that is. After he grabs some tissues from the nightstand, because Barba is either unwilling or incapable of moving.

Maybe it's both.

Barba watches as Sonny cleans him up thoroughly, not even bothering to move his legs to make Sonny's life easier. Barba watches to see what Sonny will do next.

Sonny reaches for the comforter, where it's gotten bunched up at the foot of the bed. Sonny drapes it over Barba, over himself, Sonny covers them both before he lies back down.

Barba smirks, finally, as he watches Sonny settling in. Sonny is not at all surprised to realize that he had actually missed that look of utter smugness.

"Good. Progress. If you manage not to say anything stupid tomorrow morning, I might even make you breakfast."

Sonny smiles.

Tomorrow morning.

It's Saturday tomorrow.

They have nowhere to be. No monsters to chase, no arrests, no trials, no deals, no work, no ugliness, no stress, no nerves.

No pain.

Sonny needs this.

Sonny thinks he'll try to slip out of bed before Barba wakes up. Sonny bets Barba's pantry is well-stocked. Probably not by Barba himself, but same difference. Sonny is thinking of making his world-famous Carisi pancakes from scratch. He hopes he'll find everything he needs. The ingredients are pretty basic. The trick is in how you put them together.

"Forget it, Carisi. I can tell you're about to say something stupid right now. You might as well get up and leave. You'll find your tacky plaid boxers somewhere on my living room floor."

Sonny snorts.

"There's _two_ things I'm good at, Barba. My pancakes are legendary. I'll make you breakfast."

Barba tries to hide it, but clearly he likes the sound of that.

"Oh. In that case, I take it back. That wasn't stupid at all. Be my guest."

Barba rustles around on the bed, getting comfortable. He ends up on his side, facing Sonny. Sonny doesn't know if it's because that's how Barba usually sleeps, or because he doesn't want to turn his back on Sonny. Because he wants to keep an eye on Sonny, maybe.

Sonny appreciates it all the same. Sonny turns to face Barba too. Sonny smiles, and gets an eye-roll in return.

They close their eyes.

It's a lot less awkward than Sonny imagined.

It's not awkward at all.

Sonny can feel the mattress bouncing lightly as Barba rustles around some more, trying to arrange his pillow. It should be distracting, but it's everything but.

Sonny likes it.

Sonny doesn't even have to open his eyes to know what's happening. He can feel Barba's every movement, Sonny can feel the exact moment when Barba finally gets it right, when Barba lays his head down and lets out a small sigh.

Sonny can feel Barba breathing, Barba's face just inches from his own. Sonny doesn't even have to open his eyes. It's soothing.

Comfort.

It's Saturday tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://poipoi1912.tumblr.com/post/137510010111/barisi-episode-tag-17x11).
> 
> I want to thank the kind tumblr anons who prompted me with their asks, and also all the tumblr users who enabled me with their likes and their tags and their comments. Without them, this story would not exist.


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